i’ve achieved a distance from standard human perceived reality that i am not sure i will ever be able to close
the only thing that can cause me to feel anything are the emotions of other people.
my own emotions are simply reactions to what they are feeling. example - long time friend’s pain will cause me to be sad for a number of days. their happiness, ontheotherhand, oh i could cry out of happiness for someone.
even with these small intrusions, i cannot remember the feeling of anger. or of loneliness. if someone directs their anger towards me i just analyze it for what the anger truly stands for - their insecurities, their disappointment, etc - and proceed to feel sad on their behalf. and loneliness? how can you feel loneliness with so much to learn and so much beauty radiating about you? you don’t even need to have a busy mind. i certainly would not consider myself to have a busy mind. my mind is silent, 90% of the time.
i’ve largely stopped feeling embarrassment. odd for me, considering i used to be embarrassed quite easily.
i don’t particularly want anything in this life.
i am void of personal desires. of personal wants. of personal ambition. i used to have ambition. i think. but money holds no power over me. status holds only a thread of power.
the only requirement that continues to stay with me is that i do not want to be average. i don’t want an average relationship. i don’t want to reside in a place longer than a year. i don’t want to have children. i don’t want to be bound. i don’t want the grey, circulating colors. i want red’s and all the shades of it.
i do want to make my family happy. but, again, that is their emotion casting a direction.
one (small) side of me wishes i could flare up anger. seek out company because i actually want company. have a raging desire to achieve something phenomenal. make something of myself. prove myself. have people twirled around my finger.
but the other side of me is grateful that i have a unique experience. that i am not bound (unless under extreme circumstances. i mean, if an axe murderer was trying to chop my brother into pieces you can bet his sorry ass that i will go into full-blown rage mode and claw those motherfucker’s eyes out to my last fucking breath) to standard human responses, emotions, and desires. i am able to observed and take into consideration that i should be different but, at the same time, i am so unflinching in my contentness that i really cannot be bothered to care for longer than a minute.
I finally analyzed my constant question of “what is wrong with me?” to the best of my current ability and it will no longer be a topic of conversation within my subconscious.
but i do still want fries.